What's in a name?

We all fight battles to become ourselves. For some, these battles are more public.

Though most of the work takes place inside my head, gender identity is the most imposing public battle of my life. It's been a struggle to find the comfortable space between the person I know myself to be inside and how the world reads me outwardly. A decades-long progression from one extreme to the next, in tiny shades of gray.


As a child I realized that my decisions were a bit against the grain and didn't mirror the expected pattern of my peers. Pink or blue? Long hair or short? Dress or pants? I always opted for the latter. It was a surprise to me that others were surprised by these tendencies toward the traditional male agenda. Lederhosen, not a derndel. GI Joe, not Barbie. These assertions began a long external conversation, played out over the course of my life, with my parents at first and then with kids at school, colleagues. At the core, I always fought hardest with myself: who am I? who am I meant to be? I knew the answer before I had the language to explain it: the clothes I put on and the games that I played as a girl never fit. I had to become someone else in order to make those things work.

Now that I've publicly changed my name, it's about time to take ownership of this decision.  This post  from Danielle LaPorte sparked a shift in my perspective. While one person is walking around in the world thinking that changing the name of a website is a big deal, another is walking around with his personal name hanging loosely from a thread. I keep my new name associated closely enough to get through in life, but I have yet to grab hold so tight as to prevent a strong wind from pulling it away. 

Now is about time. If I am to expect lucid and direct communication from the world, then I ought to do the same in return.

Here is my first public step. Goodbye to Paula. Hello, Paul.